Josh, Lindsay, and Mackenzie

On Friday morning I joined the thousands of people across the country on the LASIK bandwagon. I admit it; the laziness got to me. The contacts just weren't cleaning themselves, and despite the fact you could throw them away, you still had those crucial before bed moments when you don't have your contacts in and you risk falling asleep with your glasses on while watching t.v. In an effort to bring more of you over to the dark side (or perhaps keep you steadfast in being anti-LASIK), I thought I would share the events of the morning with you. As a side bar, I have been through a lot of things: being hit by a softball in the eye, stitches, having my tympanic membrane cut and liquid drained out of my ear, etc. This is BY FAR the weirdest thing ever...because you can see it.

Step 1: Logan drives me to the Carter Eye Center and I pay. (Of course they have you pay first...your eyes are closed at the end of the session and you're doped up on valium.)

Step 2: Dr. Carter tells you all the risks involved which include all possible heinous things dealing with your eye except for the eye actually falling out...use your imagination and you'll know what risks you take.

Step 3: THE VALIUM ROOM. This is the best part of the visit by far. You get a couple sets of drops (one an antibacterial drop and the other an anti-inflammatory drop) and then you're given 5 mg of valium to swallow and 5 mg to dissolve under your tongue. You are then given a blanket and nestled into a massage chair for 20 minutes. I had Enya playing in the background, though I am a little envious of Logan who had Michael Buble...

Step 4: The operating room. The valium was doing a stellar job so I was a little woozy. They direct me into the operating room where I lie down with my head between three different inflated balloon things (they adjust the air in them based on the girth of your head). There a gentleman prepared me for the noises and smells I would hear and smell. Without fail, always focus on the light...this is my new mantra.

Step 5: Dr. Carter comes in to do his magic. We start with my left eye which means we use masking tape to shut my right one (in today's advanced world, masking tape is still the tape of choice apparently). He tapes my eyelids open (not Pee Wee Herman style so I was disappointed), and then used a separator to keep the eyelid open. This is perhaps the most uncomfortable part. It's similar to what the dentist uses if filling a cavity (if you have never had this done, just picture a metal clamp in your eye but instead of clamping, it is separating). He then turns the laser on and you think the room is about to take flight. Then he lasers your eye and you smell just enough burning to be curious...but then the valium kicks in and you're happy. Then, he sucks out all the bad gook in your eye. The weird part is that you can see it. It looks like one of those mini Zen garden rakes, or maybe a Veet razor (if you're a girl) being dragged across your eye multiple times. Then, he inserts something and paints your flap down (I have since labeled this the "vulnerable flap"). The painting is so there are no air bubbles, but it is by far the most relaxing and soothing part of the operation. Then, he removes all the stuff and rips off the masking tape from the right eye - let me reiterate the RIP portion of that statement; this is the most painful part of the operation and I tell him so. During the right eye he tries to make small talk, but I am content just focusing on the light so he gives up.

Step 6: You are turned into a bug. You sit up and can immediately see. The drops you've been given make it a little fuzzy, but it's leaps and bounds better than without your glasses. They then take you to another room where your vulnerable flaps are checked and then plastic disks are taped to your face. You are expected to keep your eyes closed for the remainder of the day and take the disks off only the next morning before your post-op visit. Logan then took me home where I literally slept the ENTIRE day.

Step 7: The next morning you go in for your post-op exam. What they don't prepare you for is the stickiness of the tape they have used to put the disks on your head. Remember how I didn't appreciate the masking tape on the eyelid? Small change compared to the skin particles that were sacrified to the tape gods that morning. Nothing gets the adhesive off...alcohol, lotion, oil...nothing. I demand adhesive remover at the doctor and they willingly comply. I think the magic stuff they gave me is benzene.

Anyway, now I am putting drops in my eyes four times a day, but it's worth it. It was far and away the most expensive three minutes of my life (at least the wedding day was a whole day and the ceremony was 45 minutes), but it was worth every penny. I can roll over in bed and see the time and enjoy the t.v. before bed without worry of stabbing myself with glasses. It's indeed been a glorious weekend.